Tag: skill building

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Kindness and Gratitude = Health and Happiness

Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have found that regularly practicing a phenomenon they call "loving kindness” can profoundly change your attitude, outlook, and health[1].

Even better, regular practice rewires the brain to be more present and kinder to yourself and others, giving your focus and mood an added daily boost.

Here are three simple practices to get you started.

1. Loving-kindness meditation (LKM)

LKM is a quiet, solo reflective practice that focuses thought on the heart region and encourages warm, tender thoughts about a loved one or cherished others. In one study, one hour of LKM a week led people to report greater positive emotions – love, contentment, joy, satisfaction – during their social exchanges with others.

The researchers also documented health benefits from regular practice of LKM that include:

  • Reduced pain and tension from migraines
  • Reduced symptoms of depression
  • Possibly slowing the aging process. Studies have found that women who practice LKM have longer telomeres, which are like little end-caps on your DNA. Shorter telomeres have been associated with faster aging.

Even small periods of practice can help. One study found a 10-minute session of LKM increased feelings of social connection and positive feelings toward others.

2. Acts of kindness

This one is exactly what you’d imagine. Intentionally set a goal to be kinder to others.

Strategies can be as simple as doing something nice or unexpected for a loved one or even a stranger. Hold a door open for the person behind you. Offer a warm greeting or smile when unexpected. Make a special effort to extend kind words to someone. Send a friend or family member a simple text or email message – or forward an article you think they might enjoy – to tell them you are thinking about them. Take a few extra minutes to help or listen more closely to another.

Regular acts of kindness make you feel good – and beget more kindness.

Neuroscientists have confirmed that thinking or acting kindly toward others activates the part of your brain that makes you feel pleasure. It also releases the hormone oxytocin that increases interpersonal bonding and feelings of enjoyment from social interactions — the higher your oxytocin levels, the kinder and more generous you may become.

3. Gratitude

Everyone has something good in life for which to feel grateful. What’s on your list? If the answer does not come easy, it’s time to start building your list, literally. One way to increase feelings of gratitude is to write them down in a hand-written or virtual journal.

Researchers have found that feeling thankful for life’s little blessings can improve sleep, diminish fatigue, increase confidence, and even lessen depression.

And keeping some form of a gratitude journal — writing down happy moments, beautiful observations, or people or things you’re grateful for in your life — has been found to improve biological markers of heart health.

Like any other skill set, expressing kindness and gratitude gets easier with practice – and the benefits multiply. Start slow and simple with activities such as

  • Spend a few minutes each day thinking positive thoughts about the important people in your life.
  • Reflect on your week and write down a few things you’re most grateful for. Why not keep some slips of paper and a gratitude jar on your bedside table: end your day by writing down one special something from your day and putting it into the jar. You’ll drift off to sleep with positive feelings about a special someone or something – and have a wealth of reminders for those times when you feel down or alone.
  • Set aside 10 minutes to sit quietly, meditate, or simply think warm tender feelings about a loved one  that comes straight from your heart.

The world – and your relationships – will be better for your efforts. And you just might become a happier and healthier you.

[1] HOUSECALL, Vol. 19, Issue 24, March 22, 2018. Accessed online March 22, 2018 at https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/how-sharing-kindness-can-make-you-healthier-happier/art-20390060/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=housecall

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How Great Leaders Think: Gray and Free

It’s not that I’m so smart. But I stay with the questions much longer.[i]

― Albert Einstein

One of the most useful and innovative leadership skills I know is the ability to think gray and free. The idea comes from the late Steven Sample, engineer, professor, and successful, long-term president at the University of Southern California who transformed the institution during his nineteen years in office.

I love the process of thinking gray and free – it’s not easy but it works, is supported by neuroscience, can be taught, and stretches everyone’s creative potential. And it’s fun! Can’t get much better than that!

The rationale for learning to think gray and free goes something like this:

Problems are problems because what has usually worked in other situations does not work with what you now face. Those are the times you need to harness your creative best for breakthroughs in your thinking so you can identify fresh options. You need ways to break out of your cognitive ruts, but human nature doesn’t make that easy!

Under stress and in the face of major challenges, it is easy and almost automatic to rush to judgment in dealing with new information or situations by labeling them good or bad, right or wrong, true or false. We want fast and decisive action to relieve our stress. But snap judgments in difficult times can put you on a dead-end road. Thinking that you are right, you keep doing what you’ve always done: the problem continues, frustration mounts, stress levels rise, and you double down on what you’ve always done. You can see where all that will land you!

Not anymore! Here’s where thinking gray and free[ii] comes into the picture.

When asked, leaders and managers often say that they try to “consider all the options” before reaching a difficult decision. Steven Sample disagrees. They may consider all their options, but do so within the constraints of their current thinking patterns and approaches. Learning to think gray and free is “an unnatural act” that forces you to remain unresolved and open to fresh solutions beyond your comfort as a way to tap into unused cognitive pathways. That’s what can lead to your greatest insights, free you from the bounds of convention, and allow your natural creativity and intellectual independence to shine. As you move beyond the temptation to plow ahead and fix things quickly, you will also see more clearly what matters – and doesn’t.

Sample’s favorite way to stimulate that kind of thinking is to contemplate problems from absolutely outrageous positions and in impossible ways. Literally!  The process of arriving at his highly successful patent design for a dishwasher control reads like something from a Charlie Chapin movie: Sample crawled on the ground to contemplate the controls from different angles and forced himself to imagine the dishwasher was being controlled by a French horn, sofa, ladybug, electrons, hay bale, and more. This thinking was so difficult that he could only sustain it for about ten minutes at a time. But after a few of these thinking sessions, he suddenly could see in his mind’s eye the complete circuit design – and a way to do it he had never contemplated before.

Innovative ideas come when you challenge your assumptions and allow yourself to revel in blue-sky moments when anything is possible.

Steven Sample used various techniques to stretch his capacities to think gray and free. Two favorites are described below[iii]. Try one!

Resist the temptation for binary thinking: Force yourself to read an article, listen to a news report, or engage in a conversation with another and suspend all judgments: don’t believe or disbelieve, or classify anything as right or wrong. Listen and keep telling yourself, “that’s really interesting.” If you find you can’t, then write down your first impression about the matter, and force yourself to not think about it until a later time (or ever again). Training your mind to “bend over backwards by thinking gray with respect to a few everyday matters” is an excellent way to overcome your natural inclinations to speed judge and to think right-wrong/yes-no.

Contemplate the outrageous together: Bring a group of people together who have widely varying perspectives and a common goal. Ask each individual to propose an “off-the-wall idea” for achieving the goal, with the proviso that every other person in the group must respond with at least two reasons why the idea will work. There is benefit in forcing yourself to learn to think positively and deeply about an idea you’d rather quickly reject.

Great leaders think is broad, deep, and creative ways.  How can you expand your capacities to do the same?  

[i] http://amorebeautifulquestion.com/einstein-questioning/#jp-carousel-4256

[ii] Steven B. Sample (2008). “Thinking Gray and Free.” In Gallos, J. V. (Ed.) Business Leadership. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

[iii] The ideas in this blog are adapted from the skills tutorial appearing in Part II of Lee G. Bolman and Joan V. Gallos (2016). Engagement: Transforming Difficult Relationships at Work. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons.

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Naming the Elephant in the Room: Discussing the Undiscussable

Sometimes, a group will get stuck until someone is willing to name the “elephant in the room:” the uncomfortable topic that everyone is aware of but no one wants to talk about.

That topic can be about content or about how the group is working (or not working) together. Fear of conflict or unpleasant interactions often leads us to avoid sensitive topics or to beat around the bush so much that no one gets our message. Some of the most powerful contributions to teamwork involve the willingness to express uncomfortable truths.

You enhance your abilities to discuss the undiscussable when you:

Attend to process and content. You won’t recognize that the group is stuck unless you keep an eye on how the group is going about its work and on its progress.

Use yourself as a barometer. Use those knotty feelings in the pit of your stomach as a red flag that something’s off. Step back and ask yourself why the feeling?

Build in periodic reflections. Leadership guru Ronald Heifetz calls this “getting to the balcony:” stepping out of the fray on the dance floor and giving yourself a different perspective on the action. You’ll give yourself a better chance of seeing the big picture.

Search carefully for the elephant. This requires three things: (1) determining the obvious truth being ignored or unaddressed, (2) figuring out how to present the information so that others can hear and test your observation, and (3) determining when naming the issue will be most helpful to the group’s progress. [Review the last post on skilled candor: those skills can help here.] 

Avoid the sledgehammer. It can be easier naming the elephant with a less direct route. Humor, a well-formed question, or using yourself – expressing your uncertainty or lack of clarity as a way of engaging others in an exploration they might be hesitant to initiate — can accomplish the task with grace.

Frame the elephant in a larger story. Explain not only what you see but why discussing it can help the group make progress. You may see this more clearly than others.

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Strong Advocacy: Perfecting Your Skilled Candor

If asked, most of us would say that it’s good to speak up, tell the truth, and say what we mean. Yet we often fall well short of candor for two main reasons: fear and lack of skill. We’re afraid we’ll hurt ourselves or someone else. Do we tell the boss something he doesn’t want to hear? Do we tell our colleagues something that will upset or anger them? Should we admit we’ve made a mistake? Even if willing to speak up, if our attempts at candor are awkward, confusing or inflammatory, no one is helped.

A key element of skilled candor is describing your reality, not “the reality.” Speaking up openly and honestly isn’t the same as venting, shooting from the hip, bluster, argumentativeness, or attack – all of which prime others to resist rather than understand your message. It helps to remember the distinction between your truth and the Truth. When you say, for example, “This is how I see it,” you’re describing your reality. When you say, “This is how it is,” you claim to know not just your perception, but the Truth. No one knows your reality better than you, but anyone can claim to know the Truth at least as well or better than you do.

To describe your reality you need to know it and accept it as your unique take on the situation. A first step is reflection – looking within and asking yourself what you are thinking and feeling and why.

If, for example, you’re in a meeting and find yourself thinking, “This is all stupid. We’re going nowhere.” you could say that, but you’d be making a claim about the Truth that has little chance of being a productive contribution and may be very different from what others are experiencing. A brief reflection on what’s happening for you might reveal that you’re feeling confused and have lost track of what the conversation is about. That lets you say something like, “I don’t know how anyone else is feeling, but I’m lost. I don’t know where we’re going. Is it clearer for you than for me?” That statement shares your reality while giving others permission to see it differently. And it ends with a question asking others to take stock on how things are going.

You can strengthen your capacities for skilled candor when you:

Know yourself. Regular practices like journaling, meditation, or activities that encourage mindfulness build your capacities for self-reflection. Mindfulness is an important leadership skill, essential for monitoring your ongoing assessment of process – how you think things are going in your interactions with others – as well as content – the progress you believe you and others are making on the substance of the task at hand.   

Slow down your reactions. Recognize that they are just that – your reactions.

Cool your inner critic. Resist jumping to fast conclusions and ask yourself why when you do.

Use “I” statements, if necessary, to develop the right habits of the mind. It may feel awkward at first, but it’ll keep you honest and focused on what’s happening for you.

Leadership is all about effective relationships and strong communications. So remember, the goal in all this is to find ways to engage others in honest conversations that enable you and others to learn — about what’s happening for individuals, about what’s happening in the exchange, and about how to work more  effectively together. 

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Global Leadership: Conquering the Fear of Differences

Days have been filled preparing for our Executive MBA international residency which begins in three days.  We’re going to China. Part of my preparation involves enabling 40 experienced leaders, most with little international experience, to appreciate and respond to cultural differences without paralysis. 

It’s key to their career advancement and professional development. It’s essential for all in a global world. 

As we move closer to the departure date, students have begun acknowledging their fears of anticipating a vastly different world and of the unknown. Some report dreams of not knowing what to do or of being lost in the China-size crowds, others feelings of losing the control over their lives that they have at home.

These are powerful admissions – and they are right on. We all fear the unknown. Human nature loves predictability, and we all want to believe that everyone thinks and sees things just like us. They don’t and that’s OK – and we’ll be OK in a world where that is true. Accept that, and you’ve got the global citizen piece down cold.

How do we take in and use all the knowledge about cultural differences that we can gain through reading and studying without freezing our capacity to act?  The quick answer: with patience, persistence, and humility. It’s like learning and integrating anything new into effective practice.

Preparation helps – the better you know something, the better able you are to call it into play when you need it. So does remembering the Joan Gallos 2 Rules of Thumb for Learning Any New Behavioral Skill:

  1. 1.  go slow. Add anything new and you’ll need to be more deliberate – less automatic – in doing it. It will feel awkward, and you will feel clumsy and ineffective. It may be counter-intuitive – to slow down and to do something that’s awkward and uncomfortable in order to be more effective. But it’s the only way.
  1. 2. be patient with yourself. This is especially hard for successful people: you’ll make mistakes, feel lost, or be scared. It’s OK. Stay open. Figure out what works and doesn’t. Keep trying. And have a sense of humor. You are the only one taking yourself so seriously!

And remember: people are people are people.  When we talk about an increasingly diverse and global world, we tend to focus on differences. Comparing and contrasting how other cultures are different from ours is a good way to recognize and break out of our narrow mindsets about life and the world.  But bottom-line: people share a common humanity. 

Approach any meeting with authenticity and an open heart, and you will connect well with others – even if you struggle with language or customs. Be curious – ask. Relationships are built on connection and conversation.  Make a mistake?  Step on a cultural toe?  Stay alert and respond as you would to any friend.  An honest and humble “Oh, my apologies, please” will go far.

You know more than you may realize about conquering the fear of differences.