Tag: compassion

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Be Informed: Embracing Compassion Requires Understanding It

You must not hate those who do wrong or harmful things; but with compassion, you must do what you can to stop them.

— Dalai Lama XIV

Compassion heals the compassionate soul and creates a world in which we can come together across our differences. How can we increase our personal capacity for compassion and make it a fundamental virtue in love and work?

Understanding its meaning and purpose is a first step: common misconceptions will get in our way.

Compassion does not mean feeling sorry for people, nor does it ask us to invite the world’s suffering into our living room. Compassion is attunement to others with the hope that through our intentional interactions with them, their suffering lessens.[I]

Compassion at its core is inviting others into our circle of life: offering to understand them and working to be open and generous in spirit even when we disagree with what they do or believe. Ah, there’s the rub: maintaining a kind and open heart is a challenge for the best of us in the face of hurtful or egregious actions. Anger is easier when we feel vulnerable, hurt, or powerless. Anger, however, has its costs.

In our book, Engagement: Transforming Difficult Relationships at Work, Lee Bolman and I assert that compassion is a pillar of successful engagement in the world and required for the kind of interactions that resolve complex social problems. We add the adjective “informed” to underscore that compassion is not denial, collusion, or even forgiveness – horrific or criminal acts may be difficult or even impossible to ever forgive.

Informed compassion is an authentic expression of human connection, a willingness to walk in another’s shoes if only a few steps, and an unyielding belief that all can learn. That learning only happens through willing engagement.

The Dalai Lama, the world’s symbol of compassion, sees compassion as self-serving with added benefits to others and society at large:

Compassion is what makes our lives meaningful. It is the source of all lasting happiness and joy. And it is the foundation of a good heart, the heart of one who acts out of a desire to help others. Through kindness, through affection, through honesty, through truth and justice toward others we ensure our own benefit. This is not a matter for complicated theorizing. It is a matter of common sense. There is no denying that our happiness is inextricable bound up with the happiness of others. There is no denying that if society suffers we ourselves suffer. Nor is there any denying that the more our hearts and minds are afflicted with ill-will, the more miserable we become.[ii]

Neuroscience and the study of human physiology also confirm that compassion for others is good medicine for us. It interrupts cycles of thought that hard-wire our brains for needless pain and anger. It can release destructive emotions and stress that predispose us to a host of health issues – from anxiety, depression, disturbed sleep, and an increased risk of heart attack to adverse physiological changes in our chromosomes that signal cell aging and death.[iii] Medically speaking, embracing compassion is high-level self-care – the best “unselfish selfishness”[iv] around.

Practicing compassion takes, well, practice! Research shows that compassion can be learned. We can train ourselves to be realistic yet non-judgmental and to see what’s happening yet assume the best until consistent data confirms otherwise – and even then, we can train ourselves to respond first by changing how we relate to others so as to try another way to bring out their best.

Practicing compassion may also require learning to say no with grace and yes more often. That may seem counter-intuitive. It is not. No is the word we use to protect ourselves and to stand up for all that matters to us. It can anger others and destroy relationships, so we often say yes when we really want to say no, say no poorly, or say nothing at all. Strategies for delivering a positive no, according to negotiating guru William Ury[v], attend to both clear and authentic communication and relationship maintenance.

The comedy world of improvisation reminds us that yes, and[vi] is a way to validate and build on what others have initiated and a way to explore new alternatives – foundational strengths in problem-solving and teamwork.

As when learning any skilled behavior, we will need instruction in how to if we ever plan to improve our game and a commitment to practice.  The same is true with compassion.

Compassion includes four basic steps: (1) recognize suffering in others, (2) acknowledge it, (3) set an intention to do something, and (4) take an action. Which step is most challenging for you? Start there.

Angela Duckworth’s research in her path-breaking book, Grit, reminds us that skill building comes from “deliberate practice” of the identified component of skilled performance with which we struggle most. Honest feedback from others on how we are doing helps, too.

Dr. Amit Sood outlines nine practices to strengthen compassion skills.[vii] It might be easier for you to begin your study by choosing one from his list:

1. Recognize that difficult behaviors in others may be a call for help. Respond with kindness and assess what difference it makes.

2. Delay snap and negative judgments: try to walk in others’ shoes and acknowledge the urgency driving some important unmet need for them.

3. Remember that no one chooses to suffer or behave ineffectively. Work to resolve the puzzle of what’s happening for the other.

4. Be grateful for your good fortune and all you have – and let your gratitude fuel your problem solving capacities.

5. See yourself in others’ mistakes: the journey they travel today is one you may have traveled before or will in the future.

6. Pay it forward: perform acts of kindness – and if you can, forgiveness; do something good and forget it!

7. Act with humility: act to help, not wow! Act to engage and understand, not control!

8. Recognize the difference between fear and caution: caution is rational, fear shackles.

9. Move toward others: lean-in in simple ways counter to your desire to move away.

Set out to deliberately practice it over a determined period of time, and then assess how well your efforts are improving the quality of life for you and others. Go slow to avoid compassion fatigue[viii]! You must gradually build up your capacities to stand with, but not take in, others’ emotions.

Onward! I have confidence you’ll soar.

[I] Amit Sood (2013).The Mayo Clinic Guide to Stress-free Living. Boston, MA: DaCapo Press, Chapters 12, 13, 14.

[ii] His Holiness the Dalai Lama (1999). Ethics for the New Millennium. New York: Riverhead Books/Penguin Putnam.

[iii] Amit Sood (2013). Ibid, p. 216

[iv] Amit Sood (2013). Ibid, Chapters 13, 22.

[v] William Ury (2007). The Power of a Positive No: Save the Deal, Save the Relationship, and Still Say NO. New York: Bantam.

[vi] Kelly Leonard and Tom Yorton (2015). Yes, And: Lessons from The Second City. New York: Harper Collins.

[vii] Amit Sood (2013). Ibid, pp. 133-145.

[viii] William A. Kahn (2005). Holding Fast: The Struggle to Create Resilient Caregiving Organizations. New York: Brunner-Routledge.

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Leaders, be thankful! You’ll thank me for the reminder– and help yourself along the way

This week in the U.S., many gather with family and friends to give thanks for our many blessings.

In today’s rough-and-tumble work world, it can be easy to lose sight of things for which we can be thankful. The global economic downturn has made work and life tougher – no doubt about it. The bottom-line matters more when there is less margin for error. And everyone is being asked to do more with less.

Leaders can balance the strain with a conscious focus on positive sentiments, like hope, enjoyment, compassion, and thankfulness.

Health and wellness research consistently confirms the physiological benefits: immediate positive changes in heart rhythms, as well as neural, hormonal and biochemical reactions that drop blood pressure, muscle tension, and stress hormones. Scientists at UCLA found that optimism strengthened immune functioning. And, forgiveness – letting go of resentment for a perceived offense (including forgiving yourself for not being perfect or where you thought you’d be at this point in your life) – decreases blood pressure, cortisol, and other hormones associated with heart disease, immunity disorders, and more.

Feeling good helps you weather the storms you face – and make progress on things important to you.

Need a little help given where things are in your life?  Try the following reasons to be thankful:

Take time and celebrate:  Yes, 80 is the new fifty!  U.S. Census figures have confirmed that the number of people living to age 90 and beyond has tripled in the past three decades and will quadruple by 2050. Stay healthy – and the odds are with you to have plenty of time to accomplish what you want to accomplish. Take pressure off yourself to have and do it all now, and celebrate where you are.

Let legendary pop singer Tony Bennett be your model. His new album "Duets II" – which is darn good, I might add – soared to No. 1 on the Billboard 200, a first for Bennett in his career and making him at 85 the oldest living act to reach No. 1. [Click on the album title and listen to a sample.]   

Get moving and be smarter:  The literature on exercise is conclusive: moderate amounts of regular aerobic exercise produce chemical changes that promote new brain cells in the part of the brain essential for learning and memory. Yahoo, positive news for aging brains!  Anyone can get smarter!  

Indulge and avoid guilt: Analysis of seven studies (with more than 100,000 subjects) found chocolate consumption associated with lower rates of stroke, coronary heart disease, blood pressure, and other cardiovascular conditions. The British Medical Journal reported chocolate eaters had decreases of 37% in risk of cardiovascular disorders and 29% in risk for stroke, but warned chocolate’s benefits come when eaten in moderation.  A prescription to eat chocolate – thank you, doctor!   

Relax and enjoy: NPR has a super series of Tiny Desk Concerts for a quick break in a long day. Last week they posted their best ever. Take a few minutes, click on the link, and enjoy. Yo-Yo Ma, Edgar Meyer, Chris Thile And Stuart Duncan: Tiny Desk Concert Notice the musicians’ joy and passion for their work. May you find yours! 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! 

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Managing the Occupational Hazard of Leadership

Leadership is emotional work. “There’s no leading without bleeding,” Jerome Murphy, professor and former Dean of the Harvard Graduate School of Education, writes in the most recent Phi Delta Kappan.[1] “No matter what we call it — stress, agitation, loss, frustration, fear, exhaustion, shame, confusion, sadness, loneliness, hurt — there’s not an executive alive who can lead without experiencing emotional discomfort.” Anyone who has led – from the head or the foot of the table – knows exactly what Murphy means.

Leaders can’t escape this occupational hazard; however, they can be their own worst enemy in responding to it – turning inevitable job discomforts into personal anguish and self-doubt that erode focus and energy.

“In the privacy of our minds, we can make things worse by fighting our discomfort, getting hooked on our troubling thoughts, and scolding ourselves for falling short. As a consequence, we can sidetrack our work and lose sight of what really matters to us.”

The stage is set for unproductive denial (and an investment of psychic energy pretending we’re not uncomfortable) or negative self-talk (and worries about whether our discomfort is a sign that we’re a flop or, worse yet, no leader at all). “In the grip of mind chatter that sounds like a Greek chorus of naysayers, it’s not unusual to rehash the past, fret about the future, and hang ourselves out to dry,” concludes Murphy.

There are more productive ways to respond, and Murphy draws from psychology and Eastern thinking to suggest six.

1.  accept the emotional discomforts at the core of leading: “In doing so, we can hold them more lightly, believe them less resolutely, and take them less personally.”

2. acknowledge distress without clinging to it: “We can have our thoughts rather than be had by them.”

3. focus on changing behaviors, not feelings: “We can accept what we’re experiencing at the moment while still working to make things better.”

4. treat self with compassion, kindness, and care. “Both intuitively and through scientific research, we know that self-compassion is central to well-being.”

5. accept human imperfection: “Self-criticism is often accompanied by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation — as if ‘I’ were the only person suffering or making mistakes.”

6. keep faith in core values: They remind us what’s at stake and put the inevitable discomforts in leading from and toward them in perspective.

Mindfulness training can help cultivate these habits of the mind. The leadership payback is clear: increased capacities for situational diagnosis, task focus, calm value-centered action, and resilience.

Our internal dramas may still be intense, warns Murphy, but we’ll witness them from a safe, nonjudgmental place where we can respond wisely.

[1] Jerome. T. Murphy. Dancing in the rain: Tips on thriving as a leader in tough times. Phi Delta Kappan (September 2011), 93 (1): 36-41.

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General Michael Hayden: It’s All About Fit and Compassion

The Washington Post has a site “On Leadership” that provides a variety of interviews and discussions with leaders across sectors and organizations. Topics vary but all connect to the central issue of how to lead.

A good one is the interview with General Michael Hayden, former Director of both the CIA and the NSA. Hayden talks about the very different styles he brought to both organizations because each needed something very different from him at that point in the organization’s lifecycle.

Hayden demonstrates the keen diagnostic eye, respect for others, compassion, and savvy for determining how best to leverage his impact that are essential for any leader’s success. He also understands well the symbolic power in the leadership role.

A tip from the General for your repertoire:  When making decisions about how to spend his time, Hayden always asked,  “Is this request or event something that the Director alone must do?” 

But keep in mind, sometimes those “must do” things are not the big, flashy events or decisions.

Hayden, for example, knew that he alone could ease the psychological burden of a CIA being battered daily in the media by going down to the cafeteria and simply eating with folks. Ad so he did. 

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We Like Our Leaders Perfect

Americans have a yearning to believe not only in a hero’s good deeds but in his goodness as a person.[1]

The quote is from a provocative piece in Newsweek about Greg Mortenson (of Three Cups of Tea fame) and his quick fall from grace following allegations by 60 Minutes and an expose (Three Cups of Deceit) by Into the Wild and Into Thin Air author Jon Krakauer of fabricated claims in Mortenson’s memoir and about his charity’s school-building in Pakistan and Afghanistan, as well as serious questions about his non-profit’s financial dealings and management.

I’ll let you read the details and sort through the hundreds of blogs, posts, websites, news stories, and online sources about the story to get to the truth.

I’m more interested in what all this says about us – and about why Mortenson’s grand story, as Krakow notes, went unchecked for years.

Plain and simple, we prefer our heroic leaders perfect, saintly, and on a pedestal.

It’s hard for us to look too close because we’d have to see them as human and acknowledge that imperfect or flawed people can still do great things.

Hampton Sides ties our preference for “neat” heroes to the quintessential American longing for the guy in the white hat – the perfect personification of our nation’s strengths and Manifest Destiny through a monochromatic Puritan lens.

I see it another way. If heroes are perfect, then I’m off the hook. Ordinary people like me don’t have to step up, speak out, take risks, or take a chance. We can just wait for the next perfect ones. And when their humanity begins to show, we can use our new-found social media capacities to take them down at break-neck speed too – or, as we do with our political leaders, throw them to the pundits and vote them out of office as soon as we can. Once free of these disappointing human beings, we can search for another perfect leader and again place all our hopes, dreams, and needs on that person. And the beat goes on.

There’s a simple alternative that will serve us better. We can all look for the leader within and act. Accept the fact that despite our foibles and imperfections, we can do great things – and in the process, learn  compassion for the imperfect others attempting to do the same.

There’s something deeply heroic – deeply American – about that.  

[1] Hampton Sides (2011). Shattered faith: What the fall of Greg Mortenson tells us about America’s irrepressible longing for heroes. Newsweek. May 2, 2011. pp. 5-6. Available online at http://www.newsweek.com/2011/04/24/shattered-faith.html