Tag: leading with soul

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Be Informed: Embracing Compassion Requires Understanding It

You must not hate those who do wrong or harmful things; but with compassion, you must do what you can to stop them.

— Dalai Lama XIV

Compassion heals the compassionate soul and creates a world in which we can come together across our differences. How can we increase our personal capacity for compassion and make it a fundamental virtue in love and work?

Understanding its meaning and purpose is a first step: common misconceptions will get in our way.

Compassion does not mean feeling sorry for people, nor does it ask us to invite the world’s suffering into our living room. Compassion is attunement to others with the hope that through our intentional interactions with them, their suffering lessens.[I]

Compassion at its core is inviting others into our circle of life: offering to understand them and working to be open and generous in spirit even when we disagree with what they do or believe. Ah, there’s the rub: maintaining a kind and open heart is a challenge for the best of us in the face of hurtful or egregious actions. Anger is easier when we feel vulnerable, hurt, or powerless. Anger, however, has its costs.

In our book, Engagement: Transforming Difficult Relationships at Work, Lee Bolman and I assert that compassion is a pillar of successful engagement in the world and required for the kind of interactions that resolve complex social problems. We add the adjective “informed” to underscore that compassion is not denial, collusion, or even forgiveness – horrific or criminal acts may be difficult or even impossible to ever forgive.

Informed compassion is an authentic expression of human connection, a willingness to walk in another’s shoes if only a few steps, and an unyielding belief that all can learn. That learning only happens through willing engagement.

The Dalai Lama, the world’s symbol of compassion, sees compassion as self-serving with added benefits to others and society at large:

Compassion is what makes our lives meaningful. It is the source of all lasting happiness and joy. And it is the foundation of a good heart, the heart of one who acts out of a desire to help others. Through kindness, through affection, through honesty, through truth and justice toward others we ensure our own benefit. This is not a matter for complicated theorizing. It is a matter of common sense. There is no denying that our happiness is inextricable bound up with the happiness of others. There is no denying that if society suffers we ourselves suffer. Nor is there any denying that the more our hearts and minds are afflicted with ill-will, the more miserable we become.[ii]

Neuroscience and the study of human physiology also confirm that compassion for others is good medicine for us. It interrupts cycles of thought that hard-wire our brains for needless pain and anger. It can release destructive emotions and stress that predispose us to a host of health issues – from anxiety, depression, disturbed sleep, and an increased risk of heart attack to adverse physiological changes in our chromosomes that signal cell aging and death.[iii] Medically speaking, embracing compassion is high-level self-care – the best “unselfish selfishness”[iv] around.

Practicing compassion takes, well, practice! Research shows that compassion can be learned. We can train ourselves to be realistic yet non-judgmental and to see what’s happening yet assume the best until consistent data confirms otherwise – and even then, we can train ourselves to respond first by changing how we relate to others so as to try another way to bring out their best.

Practicing compassion may also require learning to say no with grace and yes more often. That may seem counter-intuitive. It is not. No is the word we use to protect ourselves and to stand up for all that matters to us. It can anger others and destroy relationships, so we often say yes when we really want to say no, say no poorly, or say nothing at all. Strategies for delivering a positive no, according to negotiating guru William Ury[v], attend to both clear and authentic communication and relationship maintenance.

The comedy world of improvisation reminds us that yes, and[vi] is a way to validate and build on what others have initiated and a way to explore new alternatives – foundational strengths in problem-solving and teamwork.

As when learning any skilled behavior, we will need instruction in how to if we ever plan to improve our game and a commitment to practice.  The same is true with compassion.

Compassion includes four basic steps: (1) recognize suffering in others, (2) acknowledge it, (3) set an intention to do something, and (4) take an action. Which step is most challenging for you? Start there.

Angela Duckworth’s research in her path-breaking book, Grit, reminds us that skill building comes from “deliberate practice” of the identified component of skilled performance with which we struggle most. Honest feedback from others on how we are doing helps, too.

Dr. Amit Sood outlines nine practices to strengthen compassion skills.[vii] It might be easier for you to begin your study by choosing one from his list:

1. Recognize that difficult behaviors in others may be a call for help. Respond with kindness and assess what difference it makes.

2. Delay snap and negative judgments: try to walk in others’ shoes and acknowledge the urgency driving some important unmet need for them.

3. Remember that no one chooses to suffer or behave ineffectively. Work to resolve the puzzle of what’s happening for the other.

4. Be grateful for your good fortune and all you have – and let your gratitude fuel your problem solving capacities.

5. See yourself in others’ mistakes: the journey they travel today is one you may have traveled before or will in the future.

6. Pay it forward: perform acts of kindness – and if you can, forgiveness; do something good and forget it!

7. Act with humility: act to help, not wow! Act to engage and understand, not control!

8. Recognize the difference between fear and caution: caution is rational, fear shackles.

9. Move toward others: lean-in in simple ways counter to your desire to move away.

Set out to deliberately practice it over a determined period of time, and then assess how well your efforts are improving the quality of life for you and others. Go slow to avoid compassion fatigue[viii]! You must gradually build up your capacities to stand with, but not take in, others’ emotions.

Onward! I have confidence you’ll soar.

[I] Amit Sood (2013).The Mayo Clinic Guide to Stress-free Living. Boston, MA: DaCapo Press, Chapters 12, 13, 14.

[ii] His Holiness the Dalai Lama (1999). Ethics for the New Millennium. New York: Riverhead Books/Penguin Putnam.

[iii] Amit Sood (2013). Ibid, p. 216

[iv] Amit Sood (2013). Ibid, Chapters 13, 22.

[v] William Ury (2007). The Power of a Positive No: Save the Deal, Save the Relationship, and Still Say NO. New York: Bantam.

[vi] Kelly Leonard and Tom Yorton (2015). Yes, And: Lessons from The Second City. New York: Harper Collins.

[vii] Amit Sood (2013). Ibid, pp. 133-145.

[viii] William A. Kahn (2005). Holding Fast: The Struggle to Create Resilient Caregiving Organizations. New York: Brunner-Routledge.

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The Soul of Principled Leadership: The Road to Success and Significance

I spent a day earlier this week reading and providing feedback to a colleague on a book manuscript dealing with leadership and spirituality issues. In the academic world, that’s what professors do for one another. It’s always a plus when we learn something important from the collegial support.

The book basically asks readers to think about the inner growth needed to drive principled, high-impact leadership. I’m not doing justice to the complexity of the work because it triggered a number of profound questions that have stayed with me all week.

What are the leadership contributions that I hope to make over the course of my lifetime – the things that I want to accomplish so as to have made a real difference by the time destiny comes calling? How do my hopes fit my true leadership gifts? What do I need to do to stay focused and balanced as I steer through these uncharted waters?

These are not simple questions, and we can never answer them fully. But grappling with the larger life issues implicit in them gives us the best shot at designing and managing a career that we can be proud of and that is both successful and significant.

We live at a time that predisposes us to gloss over the need for this kind of deep reflection. There is growing research on the long-term decline in happiness in increasingly affluent and democratic societies where people are misled by a materialist culture to put money and possessions at the center of our lives. They equate success with big paychecks and ignore the growing evidence that those who focus their lives on tangible goods grow demonstrably more miserable over time than those who set out to make other, deeper contributions – and profit from the success of their energizing efforts.

If you have ever felt the golden handcuffs of a well-paying job that drained a little bit of your soul everyday – made going to work as exciting as pushing heavy rocks uphill – you know exactly what I am talking about.

Striving to make a difference feeds the soul, and nothing is more energizing. Successful business leaders confirm that inner growth matters.[1]

So, what are the contributions you want to be remembered for? What are your gifts and talents – the things you do well and really enjoy? How can you fashion your life and work to stayed focused on all that?

Answer those questions, and you are well on the road to a career of success and significance.

[1] See Andre Delbecq, Nourishing the Soul of the Leader: Inner Growth Matters, in J. Gallos (2008). Business Leadership. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

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Leading with Passion and Soul: Why Gustavo Dudamel is now My Dude

For the last thirteen years, The Dude to me has been the Jeff Bridges character in the Coen brothers’ film, The Big Lebowski.  Memorable character. Great film. I have fun associations from enjoying the film with my younger sons.  I quote lines from it regularly.  When I’m at my wits ends, that’s the film I want to see.  I never expected to replace The Dude with another.  But it happened.   

Gustavo Dudamel, the young charismatic conductor of the LA Philharmonic, is now My Dude.  Jay Leno on late-night TV first alerted me to Dudamel’s possible contention for the title.  I scoffed.  I’ve seen (and I own) the 60 Minutes show on Gustavo. I have known about him and his work since his appointment at age 27 to lead the LA orchestra.  I use him as a model of leading with soul and passion in my teaching.  Charismatic leader?  Absolutely.  The Dude?  Come on. 

I travelled to LA to investigate – or to be more specific, I went on the first of two planned trips to hear the LA Phil, see Dudamel in action, talk with some of the musicians, and research the young conductor’s real impact on one of the world’s great orchestras. This pleasant scholarship was intended to tease out the hype and marketing from real leadership. 

The buzz in the classical music world is that Gustavo has something special.  I wanted a first-hand feel for what that is and to hear what the musicians say and do in response to it.         

I saw the banners hung on every lamppost in downtown LA — and I thought creative advertising campaign. I approached the Gehry-designed Walt Disney Concert Hall and enjoyed its beauty. Creative architecture.  I noted the crowds entering the Hall– people of all ages and ethnicities — arriving for a musical form declared dead by so many.  As a classical music lover, I appreciated the strong ticket sales.   

I took my seat in the Concert Hall, 35 feet or so from Dudamel and to his left at an angle that let me see his gestures and face up close and personal.  Nice.  Bernstein and Beethoven on the program.  Two of my favorites.  Front row, center seat for the after-performance talk-back with Dudamel, the vocal soloist of the evening, and a member of the orchestra before going downstairs to talk with other LA Phil musicians. Unexpected bonus. Who should hold the title of The Dude?  Not a question on my mind or in my research protocol. 

5 minutes into the first movement of the first piece of my first live Dudamel-conducted concert, I knew something powerful was happening. Interpretation, pacing, variations  like I’ve never heard.  Nuance that made known music new again. Musicians – many more than twice the conductor’s age – watching and responding intently and with faces that indicated more than ordinary attention to the boss. Many had smiles of joy and pleasure as they played complex and serious music.  That’s not what I’m use to seeing.

I’ve watched from close vantage, for example, many of the great conductors leading the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and I have studied their leadership, relationship, and interaction at work with the orchestra during many open rehearsals.  Something was different with Dudamel and this orchestra. He could influence them with the most subtle of movements: slight nod of the head, twinkle of an eye, squeeze of his shoulder blades.  And everyone on that stage was clearly having a good time.

Now don’t get me wrong.  Dudamel has been described as a conducting animal, and there were opportunities to see his athletic conducting style.  But that struck me as less important a feature of his impact than I had expected.  What was more palpable was shared energy and enjoyment.  The mutual affection. The relationship of reciprocal appreciation and connection between Gustavo and the musicians – and the music that came from that partnership. 

When the piece was over, soloists and orchestra were acknowledged by the conductor and crowd while Dudamel beamed at the players and stood with his back to the audience. Then he turned from the podium. He did not, however,  take his solo bow from center stage as conductors normally do. Rather he walked in among the musicians and then turned to audience: conductor and musicians took their final bows together. 

After the concert and talk-back, the word from the musicians with whom I spoke was that all this was genuine.  Dudamel made a significant difference in their playing – in their work lives.  No, they weren’t just a friendly, happier orchestra than the BSO or others.  Dudamel’s trust and respect brought out their best work.  Their affection for him resulted in a willingness to trust in return – and to follow when he lead with radically different interpretations of music than the musicians had been playing for years.  Experienced professionals led by a wunderkind?  No – and you could feel the musician’s affection and respect for Dudamel in their immediate protests:  experienced professionals led by a talented conductor who is taking the entire orchestra to new heights.  Musicians spoke of playing in ways they never thought possible. The innovation was fun. The fun added energy.  Audiences responded. The results are spectacular.  The Dude torch was passed by the time I left the Concert Hall.

The morale of the story: real leadership is talent and preparation wedded with shared purpose, mutual respect, humility, and a contagious spirit of enjoyment and innovation that facilitates joy at work and unimaginable results.  Leading with passion and soul.  No doubt.  That’s how My Dude does it.